Times are tough, especially for our favorite British trainwrecks!

First, Jade Goody, whom is going through cancer treatment right now (sucky!), is losing her Bentley.

And, now, a similar fate befalls the even hotter mess known as Kerry Katona.

The former Atomic Kitten's car has been repossessed.

Sure, she drives a Porsche. Yes, it costs almost $150,000.

But she's merely steps away from the crack house. And we don't want that to happen, now do we????

[Image via WENN.]

You'd think bikini pictures of Alicia Keys would be all kinds of crazy hot with maybe some sexy piano-playing thrown in for good measure. Turns out you, and most importantly me, would be horribly mistaken. Here's Alicia at a hotel pool in Australia just chowing down, checking her Blackberry and generally being the exact opposite of erotic. I mean, would it kill her to do some sort of seductive musical number. Christ, there's even a fork and some water glasses right next to her. Regale me, dammit!

Kevin Federline took his Britney-replacement beach volleyball player Victoria Prince to Tao in Vegas last night, and if that's not the face of a man who just impregnated a woman, I don't know what is. (Read: I'm sterile. Ladies?) NOTE: Also included Suge Knight scoping out K-Fed's ass, and loving what he sees, because sometimes it's important to remember we live in an insanely random universe - that I'm probably getting shot in. Whee.

Well, it's official: Marley & Me is a steaming pile of FAIL sauce ala suck. For the second night in a row, Jennifer Aniston has allowed herself to be photographed in public with John Mayer. Clearly, she's basking in the final minutes of her fame because after this movie hits, these two could have an orgy in Central Park with The Rockettes, and nobody would bat an eye. Unless you count me on the sidelines yelling "Let's see some more kicking, ladies!" while trying to pretend John Mayer is an ill-placed fleshy park bench. I'm particular about my holiday cheer.

Lisa Rinna, in an obvious effort to make my nightmares come to life, is posing nude for Playboy again, according to E! Online:

The TV Guide Network correspondent and former Dancing With the Stars contestant has more or less confirmed rumors—well, she's certainly not doing anything to squelch them—that she's planning to pose nude for Playboy.
"I'm the worst liar on the planet, I can't lie, so...I think that could be a yes," she told Extra recently when asked about the possibility.

Did anyone ask for this? No, Jesus, of course not. I'm pretty sure the editors of Playboy are just throwing darts at a list of random TV stars from the 90s. Which means we should start preparing ourselves as a society for a Delta Burke centerfold. Think 9/11, but it's in your eye.

Here's Hugh Jackman stripping off his jacket while going through security at LAX this morning. These might do something for some for you, or absolutely nothing for none of you. The important things is, I could beat this guy in arm wrestling. Wait, what? That's his bicep? Jesus, I thought he had a beer keg strapped to his arm for the flight. Or am I the only one who does that?

Here's a scantily-clad Halle Berry filming her new movie Frankie and Alice in Vancouver, and scope out the synopsis for this movie from Variety:

Story follows a young woman struggling with multiple personality disorder and torn between who she is and a racist Caucasian alter-personality that preys upon her mind.

So, think the boob-flashing of Swordfish meets that time your cousin brought his new black girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner, and your grandfather said "Hey, look a colored person!" Which you silently laughed at in your head, while out loud saying "Alright, who stole his meds again?" They should use that on the poster. NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that are not screen grabs from Rocks: The Whitney Houston Story.

- Madonna wants to adopt another child despite her divorce from Guy Ritchie. With a full schedule of touring on her plate, sources say she's going the old-fashioned route: Bear traps and lollipops. [Star] - Jeremy Piven tried to say he had mono before switching to his sushi-induced mercury poisoning excuse for bailing on a Broadway play. Personally, I think he should've gone with cat AIDS, but hey, we can't all be professionals. [TMZ] - David Copperfield broke an assistant's arm during a magic trick last night. "Many people assume that the death-defying illusions I do onstage are not dangerous," he said before adding "Which is why I let the interns do all the crazy shit. Otherwise, no supper. SHAZAM!" [E! Online] - The Duggar Family, stars of TLC's 17 Kids and Counting and followers of the insane Quiverfull movement, welcomed an 18th child last night and are already talking about a 19th. Somewhere, Angelina Jolie is giving her uterus the pep talk of its life. It's on, fuckers! [People]

Somebody broke into Paris Hilton's house that she earned all by herself thanks to a healthy dose of hard work and karma. The burglary took place early this morning and with surprising ease, according to TMZ:

According to cops, a man in a hooded sweatshirt forced entry into her front door and ransacked her bedroom. Preliminary reports indicate $2 mil in jewelry and other belongings were taken.

So, $2 million in jewelry, but she can't spring for ADT. Social Darwinism, I love you.

Christina Aguilera went with A Clockwork Orange theme for 28th birthday at Osterria Mozza last night, and remind me to thank her for letting Jordan Bratman play dress-up, too. I was just thinking to myself the other day "It's been way too long since my retinas burned with an intense white-hot hellfire." On that note, Katie Holmes' birthday was also yesterday, but she didn't have cool guests like Paris Hilton with douchebag date and Nicole Richie. Instead, Tom Cruise brought a cake onstage during the curtain call of her Broadway show. If that's not boring enough for you, she also turned 30 and might as well be a man at this point. Which is probably the best marriage advice anyone's ever given her. So, hey, Happy Birthday!