Karl Bauer's Deadly Obsessions (2003) is a semi-erotic thriller in which people try to deal with their failed marriages by finding love elsewhere, whether it's in another person or money or both. Marty (Nick Capous) and Rebecca (Irene Glezos) are in a loveless marriage, both of them cheating on each other without really bothering to hide it. Marty has Monica (Michelle Verhoeven), and we can probably assume there are others. Rebecca has her best friend, Lisa (Karen Stanion), a bi-sexual participant in an equally loveless marriage who's teaching Rebecca how to be a proper lesbian while attempting to seduce Marty. Throw in a murder plot, and you've got the makings of some sexy escapist cinema. Fun for the whole family, as they say.

Only, it isn't nearly sexy enough or escapist enough or even campy enough to really succeed in any one direction. The performances aren't so over-the-top to justify the type of guilty pleasure you'd find in a telenova — everyone's very serious about what's going on, but not in a histrionic sort of way. The plot isn't big enough to be escapist. Sure, there's murder and lesbians and deception, but it's not a combination we haven't seen before and none of it's shocking. The lesbian twist is pretty apparent early in the film, so it comes as no surprise. But, the film seems to think of it as something of a trump card (albeit a preliminary one), so it spends all this time setting up a grand reveal and all the audience can say is "well, yeah, of course they are." It doesn't help that the first lesbian scene breaks the 180 degree rule maybe 15 times. That's not the type of thing that instills confidence in your audience.

Nothing the film does, plot-wise, is bold enough to get our attention. At no point does it really go for broke and risk being a big disaster. It plays close to the vest, unwilling to take a real chance. And there isn't enough talent on display (not to say the people involved don't possess that talent, it just isn't on the screen) for Deadly Obsessions to work as a middle-of-the-road thriller. Ergo, it ends up being kind of dull.

And that brings us to the sex. These characters spend a great deal of time having sex. The script has lots of sex. The film does not. What we get more often than not is a fade to black, or a pan to the window. It feels like the sex has been edited out of the film by someone other than the director, like a TV edit. Actually, the entire time I'm watching Deadly Obsessions I can't shake the feeling that what I'm watching is one of those 80's TV movies they show on Saturday afternoon when there's no college basketball on. For most of the film I actually thought that's what Bauer was going for, I thought he'd made an interesting genre choice, but the more I watched, the more I thought it couldn't be possible. Too much of it was modern, even if they did seem to be wearing clothes that had a distinct 80's look. Maybe it's the fact that the film is shot on 16mm.

One more note. The script feels like an early draft. Much of the dialogue is stilted and cliche, almost a script by numbers. There's very little subtext, and what little we do have is played so that it's impossible to miss (which kind of defeats the purpose of subtext). But more importantly, there's a long exposition scene between Marty and Lisa that just destroys any and all momentum the film had. The scene is at least 10 minutes long — maybe longer — but it feels like 45 minutes and after a while you don't even care what they're saying. You just want the scene to end. That's when my roommate decided he'd rather be doing something else.

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But hey, I could be wrong. Check out Deadly Obsessions for yourself at the official homepage. You can purchase the film for $14.99 on FilmBaby.com. You can read the director's blog here.

Got a film you'd like to submit for the uber-indie project? Here are the details.

starring: Nick Capous, Irene Glezos, Karen Stanion, and Michelle Verhoeven
cinematography by: Karl G. Bauer
written and directed by: Karl G. Bauer
$50,000/101 min/Philadelphia, PA

On Thursday's General Hospital:

Ric continued to put pressure on Spinelli to come clean about Lorenzo's murder. Spinelli toyed with the DA, resorting to his video-game language and reciting plotlines from the Lord of the Rings while Jason nervously watched on. In the end Ric demanded his laptop, and said he would be getting a warrant to obtain all the computer equipment in Jason's penthouse. After the DA had left the room, Spinelli said that the laptop he gave Ric was a "dummy" and the other computer was set to lock down if tampered with by anyone but him.

Elizabeth sunk to an all-new low. She told Lucky she couldn't go to the courthouse because there was no sitter for the kids, then promptly ran to visit Jason the minute her husband left the house. She asked Jason if there was anything she could do for him. Liz, you're a nurse not a lawyer. Jason's not injured or sick, he's in jail. No, there isn't anything you can do. Go and at least pretend to love the man you chose.

Needless to say, when Lucky found his wife visiting Jason, he was none too happy. But when called out on her lies, Liz only got more angry and indignant.

I guess Michael and Morgan went over to Kate's property again, and this time harpooned one of her ornamental Japanese koi. The only thing we really know for sure is Kate tossed a bag with a dead fish on Sonny's desk demanding he do something about it. Carly showed up at his office in time to hear Kate call her kids spoiled little monsters.

Of course that inspired another cat-fight. Later, Carly returned to the hotel to find Kate and Jax discussing the issue, Kate turning on all her charms (who knew she had any, this is the first we're seeing of it) and capitalizing on her past acquaintance with him. If you thought Carly showed claws over Sonny, she lashed out bigger and badder ones over Jax. It's good to know she can be at least as jealous over her husband as she is her ex.

In the aftermath of Scott being awarded guardianship of Laura, Lulu softened a bit toward her father. She told Luke that if her mother could forgive and love him, who was she to hold resentment for something from so long ago, though it was obvious she was still pained and tormented by everything.

Tracy, on the other hand, knew exactly what the judge's ruling meant and asked Luke when he was leaving and how long he would be gone, saying she would stick to her agreement to help him kidnap Laura. Luke gratefully promised Tracy he would return to her as soon as he made sure Laura was safe from Scott's clutches.

Logan squared off against a gloating Scott at Kelly's. If these two are not father and son, someone in casting messed up. They look, move, and speak as if they were cut from the same cloth. I'm still betting (and hoping) that is what we find out very soon. When Scott left, Logan moved on and began working Lulu, playing on her pain to win his deal with Maxie, who watched on with sadistic pleasure. I'm not sure what happened with Cooper standing behind her while she was discussing the plan with Logan. The only remnants we saw was Logan saying "he just came back for his book," I guess he heard nothing.

Sam returned to Port Charles after her location shoot and ran to the hospital to find out the results of her fertility tests. It was there she learned from Ric that Jason had been arrested. Off to the jail she went.

In the meantime, Amelia ran to Sonny's office to get a little action on the mob-boss's desk. After the fact, Sonny discovered her big thick file on Sam, her past, and all her identities.

Warning! News and Spoilers Ahead!

• On Friday's GH: Sonny learns all the sordid details about Sam's past and Amelia's plan to tear her to shreds. The question is, will he high-tail it over to the jail to tell Jason… or will Amelia beat him to it?

Wife, mother, aspiring novelist, and music editor at BC Magazine, Connie Phillips spends most of her time in a fantasy land of her own creating. In reality, she writes about music, television, and the process of writing, when she’s not cheering on her kids at equestrian events. Contact: Phillips.connie@gmail.com

It’s refreshing to learn that Meadowlands, a series about witness protection program families living in the ultimate gated community, isn’t simply a show about the idyllic, mysterious suburban locale. In fact, we learn more about the town of Meadowlands in the pilot episode than we’ve learned about the island in all three seasons of Lost. No, Meadowlands doesn't get caught up in forcing the audience to play guessing games about a bizarre community. Instead, we are thrust into the sublime weirdness of the residents.

There is a difference between Meadowlands and the usual TV series or movie about suburbia. It's not darkly comical; it's dark. The resident's aren't Picket Fences odd; they're Arkham Asylum odd. An undercurrent of madness makes the melodrama seem more dire and the residents more interesting.

Four of those residents just moved to town. The Brogan family, with patriarch Danny (David Morrissey), his wife Evelyn (Lucy Cohu), their daughter Zoe (Felicity Jones) and her twin Mark (Harry Treadaway), are led blindfolded to their new home. They leave behind their names, their lives and, hopefully, the people who tried to burn them alive for Danny's criminal ways. Meadowlands is the safest place in the world. And they're lucky to be there.

At least Danny tries to convince his family that their seclusion is worth it. While his 17-yea-old son, still silent from his traumatic fire experience, spends his time ogling a neighbor woman who is too happy to show off and his flirty daughter tries to snag the town's hot, bad-boy handyman Jack (Tom Hardy), Danny's focus turns to his wife who pines for a day outside the compound. That's just day one. The true nature of the town is exposed when the aggressive sexuality of the handyman is countered by the aggressive discipline of the local head of law enforcement (Ralph Brown). Scared when the constable reveals that he knows his true identity, Danny runs to the folks in charge and gets a rundown on just how bizarre, and possibly dangerous, Meadowlands’s residents really are.

Compared to most shows that air on Showtime, a channel that masquerades soft-corn porn (The Tudors) and fetish TV (Dexter) as high-end drama, Meadowlands isn’t a likely candidate to fill a Sunday night line-up. It is a titillating drama for sure, but the Channel 4/Showtime co-production lacks the pretense of a show abut Henry the VIII or a serial killer who kills killers.

Within the first 15 minutes, Zoe has already made an indecent proposal to Jack (of all trades!) the handyman and Danny and Evelyn start to try out the kitchen counter. When the sunny neighbor Brenda (Melanie Hill) masturbates in front of Mark with one of the gloves he wears to hide his burns, the oddities are just beginning.

Yes, there is something askew about the entire show. Though we learn a lot about Meadowlands we hardly scrape the surface of how each resident got there. The show certainly has the makings of a quality soap, which makes criticism hard to dish out. The worst you can say about Meadowlands is that it isn’t groundbreaking; the best you can say is that it is it likely to be the most addictive hour Showtime has ever aired.

Meadowlands premieres Sunday, June 17 at 10 pm. on Showtime.

Well, the Las Vegas swindle crew is back in full force in this threequel. The name of the game is getting even. Danny Ocean (George Clooney), Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt) and the gang would have only one reason to pull off their most ambitious and riskiest casino heist and the reason is to defend one of their own.

The ruthless hotel and casino owner Willy Bank (Al Pacino) double-crossed Danny's friend and mentor Reuben Tishkoff (Elloitt Gould) out of his money and his share of the new establishment, putting the distraught Reuben in a hospital bed in critical condition and suffering from depression.

Willy Bank made a mistake, because he may have taken down one of the original Ocean's eleven, but the others are left standing. They vowed to get even by taking down Willy and his new place called The Bank.

Their plan is twofold. First they will ruin him financially by turning the tables on the precept that the house always wins. All they have to do manipulate the dice that are being made in Mexico. Second is to simulate an earthquake to give them time to break Willy's computerized security system and steal his precious diamonds showcased under tight security. These diamonds are payment to Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia), Danny's arch enemy. In this caper Danny and Terry work together because Willy is Terry's competition on the strip. Besides Danny needs Terry's money to pull off the heist and Willy's diamonds will be the repayment.

As the grand opening of The Bank begins, Linus Caldwell (Matt Damon) is sent in to compromise Abigail Sponder (Ellen Barkin) who is Willy Bank's right-hand woman. Matt Damon and Ellen Barkin share a bit of onscreen chemistry. Barkin plays more than just a sexy middle-aged woman on screen, in fact hers is a quite funny and alluring character. Of course Al Pacino is a master of his craft no matter the genre. If you're looking for good gags, cool action, and witty dialogue this is the movie to watch. With supporting cast members Don Cheadle, Bernie Mac, Casey Affleck, Scott Caan, Eddie Jemison, Shaobo Qin, Eddie Izzard, and the great veteran actor/comedian Carl Reiner, this is a fun-filled movie. In my opinion this is the best Ocean's episode out of the three films.

Directed by: Steven Soderbergh
Running time: 113 minutes
Release date: June 8, 2007
Genres: Action/Adventure, Thriller, Crime/Gangster and Sequel
Distributor: Warner Bros. Pictures
MPAA Rating: PG-13

There’s a point in one of the interviews with a director of Darfur Diaries: Message From Home in the special features section of the DVD, where she mentions one of the bitter ironies of the crises in Darfur. A group of dignitaries from the international community had come together to commemorate the tenth anniversary of the genocide in Rwanda and apologize for having allowed it to happen.

As they were all standing up there swearing that they would never let something like that happen again and how they would be super vigilant to prevent it, the government of Sudan was busy bombing and slaughtering its own people in the province of Darfur.

Darfur Diaries: Message From Home was shot in 2004 by three young film makers who traveled to Darfur on their own and spent time in both the Northern and Southern areas of the province, and in refugee camps in the neighbouring country of Chad. Here, they spent time interviewing the people who had been affected by the attacks. Burnt out houses stand as mute testimony to the bombing raids conducted by the government against its own citizens.

Even as they filmed, an Anatolov bomber flew overhead dropping bombs randomly on the countryside. Parents cried out to children “don’t run, sit down under the trees so they can’t see you.” The pilots of the bombers circle around and target movement and release their bombs killing indiscriminately. Livestock, humans, it doesn’t seem to matter as long as the people and their abilities to survive are destroyed.

Just like the genocides that have been conducted all over the world — from North America to Asia — the theory goes that to completely destroy a people is to destroy their means of survival. With the natives of North America, it was taking away their food supply by exterminating it. With the people of Darfur, the policy seems to be to destroy their villages and steal their livestock as well as killing them.

After the bombers, the strategy of the government was to send in both the Sudanese army and vigilante groups to kill, rape, and steal from the people. Families were exterminated and survivors were forced to flee, after watching their loved ones killed in front of them. The excuse the government continues to make for these attacks is the existence of the Sudanese Liberation Army.

They conveniently forget that the rebel army only formed in response to increasing discrimination against Africans in Sudan, and to the attacks upon their villages by the government forces. What little that the media reported on what was happening in Darfur was to ape what the government said — not bothering to find out for themselves what the real story was.

What’s wonderful about Darfur Diaries is that the only times politics is mentioned is in the interviews with the filmmakers in the special features. For the people on the ground, what matters is what has happened to them and being given opportunity to tell their stories. From the young boy who looks into the camera and talks of watching his brother being shot, to the mothers talking about their babies and their injuries.

The filmmakers interview children who draw pictures of men on camels and horses firing guns; of soldiers in jeeps firing guns; and planes dropping bombs on villages and setting them on fire. They draw pictures of people running away with their arms in the air — fleeing from men with guns and swords who are charging on horses. They draw pictures of dead people laid out on the ground.

Sudan has long been comprised of two distinct Muslim populations, Arab and African. According to the people interviewed here, it has a long history of the two races co-existing peacefully with intermarriages being commonplace. Only since the coup that brought the existing government into power have measures been taken against the majority African population to reduce their means of making a livelihood. There were occasional disputes about grazing rights but the people interviewed in this movie claim they were always settled amicably.

Now however, the government has created a racial war to keep a majority population in check. But not even within the minority Arab population is there unanimity for this war. It appears that aside from the government and it’s army – the only people who support the war are the crooks, rapists, and miserable excuses for human beings who raid the villages after the bombing raids.

The government started attacking the Africans by cutting funding to the village schools, until there was no money to pay for teachers and supplies. They also arrested all the teachers on charges of treason and tortured them. One man interviewed showed the scars where he had been beaten with bricks by his guards and told about other teachers still in jail.

What’s wondrous is the lack of anger displayed by the Africans towards the Arab population of Sudan in general. As one puts it, the government is using the Arab people like a weapon and doesn’t really care about them anymore than they care about us. In fact, according to the Sudanese Liberation Army, there is extensive intermingling between the two peoples in villages to the north. Just as many Arabs are dieing as Africans.

Nobody seems to want to venture as to why this has happened. But in some ways the why is not as important as the fact that it is happening. A government is systematically killing a segment of its own population without remorse or hesitation. They are destroying whole villages and forcing people to leave their homes for any shelter they can find elsewhere.

To me it seems obvious why the government is doing this – they want the land for the people they would prefer to have it. Just like everywhere else that indigenous people have been inconvenient enough to be living where the government wants to make use of the land, the quickest and easiest way of dealing with the matter is to kill or force them off the land.

Darfur Diaries: Message From Home is wonderful in its simplicity. The people tell their stories of what happened to them, tell you about themselves and their families, and are completely matter of fact. These are the faces of the people we never see in the news stories, and the voices we never hear.

Who better to tell the story of what is happening to them than the people themselves. This movie acts as a direct pipeline from them to whoever will listen.

Don’t you think you owe it to them to listen?

Richard Marcus is a long-haired Canadian iconoclast who writes reviews and opines on the world as he sees it at Leap In The Dark and Epic India.

If ever there was a pointless documentary made about an oddly obsessed individual and a quest that does not seem to have any real worth, or an end for that matter, this is it. I have to wonder what possessed this man to make him want to go on this particular journey. This is a a movie that I cannot really make a good argument to watch this movie, but if you happen to start watching it, there is a very good chance that you will not be able to look away. So, if you have ever wanted to know what it was like to drive around the country and drink gallons of coffee, Starbucking is the movie for you.

Starbucking is a document of a man named Winter (yes, just Winter) who has set out to visit each and every Starbuck’s coffee shop in the world. It is a quest that has lasted for the past ten years, and has had him visiting well over one thousand of the shops at a clip of 20-30 a day at some point. It plays out like a cross of the charm of Supersize Me and the obsessive-compulsiveness of Grizzly Man, without the doctors and without becoming coffee flavored bear cuisine.

The movie does not go after the evils of corporate expansion, nor is it a study about the value of the food and drink offered by the chain. It is about a man who may, or may not, have some sort of mental issue. It is brought up that he may suffer from OCD, and it is even suggested that he may be bi-polar.

Like I said, this is a movie that is hard to look away from. It does not take you very far into the minds of men, just a charismatic individual who spends most of his camera time hopped up on caffeine. He is a truly odd individual, and is a good example of the effects that caffeine can have on a body in such high quantities. Watch as Winter dances in line, rubs his hands together, gets a caffeine crazed look in his eyes, runs down streets and through traffic, and just jitters his way through the 73 minute documentary. I cannot say that I learned much about Winter, other than that he seems to obsess about this to the level that any type of relationship he has, or attempts to have suffers in the end. To that end, Starbucking gives you a look inside the life of man that begins and ends with Starbucks coffee, the occasional strip club, and a man who does not seem to have much going for him outside of this quest and the shallow spiritualism that seems to have grown out of his never ending desire to visit all of the shops.

The DVD is presented in the original 1.33:1 aspect ratio of the guerilla documentary. It is shot in whatever light is available, so the source quality is suspect at times, but the transfer is clean and free of any technical issues. The audio is a fine sounding stereo mix. As for extras, seven deleted scenes, and a commentary track with Winter and director Bill Tangeman which is an intriguing extension of the neverending pointlessness of the quest.

Bottomline. This is a strange film, if you start, you will finish, however you will question why you watched it, why he is doing this, and why the movie was made. I cannot recommend that you buy this, but if you happen to Netflix it, you could do worse. Winter is a kind of sad personality, although he will always have a friend at the next Starbucks.

Mildly Recommended.

Christopher Beaumont spends much of his time writing about entertainment when he isn’t sitting in a movie theater. He is known around the office as the “Movie Guy” and is always ready to talk about his favorite form of entertainment and offer up recommendations. Interests include science fiction, horror, and metal music. His writings can be found at Draven99’s Musings, as well as Film School Rejects.

On Wednesday's General Hospital:

Spinelli and Milo were both steaming mad at Logan for his unwanted assault on Lulu. Can't say as I blame them, but the violent outrage by Milo was not only predictable but just another example of how those in charge seem to migrate toward brute violence as a solution to all problems. Always level headed Georgie made a more practical offer and volunteered to speak to Lulu for Spinelli and Milo, so she wouldn't feel overwhelmed by the two of them. It was really nice to watch the young women hash out their past problems and come to an understanding with one another.

Serving up a king-sized breakfast to Jason in jail, Carly asked for his assurance that neither he nor Sonny offed Jerry. With that piece of mind, she then began plotting how she was going to get Jason out his recent jam. Jason begged, pleaded, and then made Carly promise she would do nothing to secure his freedom. He later had to have the very same argument with Spinelli who had hacked into the jail computer system to help set-up a jail-break opportunity. Expected and annoying, Ric threatened to charge Spinelli as an accessory if he didn't cooperate with the police.

Ric has always been hot to punish his brother through Jason, but he's been too involved with Lorenzo's murder from the get go for my liking, realizing he was missing only hours after he was killed. I'm getting a sneaky suspicion he's more involved with Lo's death than we've been led to believe.

The happy newlyweds had yet another heated argument over the usual topics. Carly doesn't want Jax to try and save his brother. Jax doesn't want Carly to be so involved with Jason's problems. Trouble in paradise is bound to continue because I don't see either giving up on their cause.

As predicted, the judge awarded guardianship of Laura to Scotty, much to her family's shock and dismay. All the while, Maxie informed Logan it was the perfect opportunity to proceed with their plan, reaffirming if Logan seduced Lulu and then broke her heart, she would spend a night between the sheets with him. Uhm, Maxie, Cooper is standing right behind you. How about explaining to your boyfriend how you're going to sleep with his best friend?

Warning! News and Spoilers Ahead!

• In the upcoming days and weeks, GH is going to look more like an episode of Maury Povich with multiple "Who's the Daddy" questions being answered. Look for Logan's daddy reveal, many more will learn who Jake's daddy is, and Emily begins a search for her real father.

Wife, mother, aspiring novelist, and music editor at BC Magazine, Connie Phillips spends most of her time in a fantasy land of her own creating. In reality, she writes about music, television, and the process of writing, when she’s not cheering on her kids at equestrian events. Contact: Phillips.connie@gmail.com

Allow me to present a helpful hint for aspiring genre filmmakers around the world: If and when you make the questionable decision to give your horrific cinematic monstrosity the gift of gab, you should pay very careful attention to the words and phrases that pour from his/her/its blood-stained maw. Many directors have attempted to inject some much-needed humor into their horror-based production by allowing their hairy creations to spout off at the mouth whenever the urge strikes them, only to watch in absolute terror as their celluloid offspring fails to elicit anything other than a few unintentional chuckles from its intended audience. Sometimes silence can speak volumes.

Director Lance W. Dreesen's nouveau werewolf opus Big Bad Wolf suffers greatly from what I like to refer to as Chatty Villain Syndrome, or CVS. Warwick Davis' Leprechaun series, while obviously not a barometer for what the genre can accomplish, is another franchise stricken with this oh so deadly disease, as are the last few Nightmare on Elm Street entries we've been forced to nibble upon. I've always held the belief that villains are much more frightening and intimidating when they're not trying to make me wet my diapers with the kind of ribald humor only mentally-challenged fifth graders would find remotely appealing. After all, nobody likes to die laughing.

Big Bad Wolf, on the other hand, has something going for it few werewolf flicks can claim, namely an engaging, well-scripted narrative worthy of your dwindling, media-saturated attention span. The inclusion of '80s bad-ass Richard Tyson (Three O'Clock High, Kindergarten Cop) is also a huge golden bonus, allowing this intimidating, square-jawed nightmare of a man to do exactly what he does best: scare the unsweetened Jesus Christ Superstar out of me. Had this intriguing concept come packaged with an interesting creature that didn't upchuck ridiculously cheesy one-liners all over his would-be victims, perhaps Dreesen's clever little film wouldn't strongly resemble a neutered puppy whimpering sadly in a soiled cardboard box.

Awww. Poor puppy.

The story, choking desperately on its borrowed plotlines, follows the nerdy misadventures of teenage outcast Derek Cowley (Trevor Duke). When he's not busy desperately trying to make friends with a couple of brainless fraternity clowns or pining endlessly for best friend/sexy auto mechanic Samantha (Kimberly J. Brown), our virginal hero is trying to determine whether or not his abusive stepfather Mitchell (Tyson) is a shape-shifting member of the lycanthropian race. With the help of his devilishly handsome uncle and his lifelong fellatio-prone sidekick, Derek must unravel the mystery behind a series of horrific murders before he and his crew become a plate of tasty name brand dog food — the kind that makes its own gravy. The horror!

Though I'm quick to poke Big Bad Wolf's ticklish storyline with my trusty Ball Point Pen of Giggling Cinematic Justice, I was actually more interested in the character's struggle to stop this suburban werewolf than the end result of the titular creature's gore-encrusted midnight snacks. There's a surprising amount of depth to be found here, that is, if you can get past a painfully trite opening sequence that involves not only a walking, talking, wise-cracking wolf man, but a particularly foul, bestiality-tinged rape scene as well. Of course, chances are you'll be thrusting your fingers towards the stop button long before his wolf dork gets down to serious womanizing business.

A quick question for all the genre fans in the house tonight: What crucial element is essential to the successful creation of a balls-out werewolf picture? If you're one of the pasty individuals who boldly proclaimed "Decent make-up effects!" to a room full of stuffed animals, pat yourself firmly on the back until you have achieved sufficient self-satisfaction. Unfortunately, the effects department is where Big Bad Wolf falls painfully short. For the film's wolf-oriented sequences, Richard Tyson appears to have been dipped in a vat of pine tar and covered with several pounds of unsanitized pubic hair, resulting in a hilariously awful sight gag that is compounded exponentially by the atrocious dialogue that flows like spoiled Cream of Wheat from his barely functioning mouth. Good or bad, it's definitely unique.

On the performance end of town, the film is unexpectedly tight. Trevor Duke and Kimberly J. Brown do wonders with their respective roles, giving you plenty of reasons to keep watching long after the thrill of a talking werewolf has shuffled off its mortal coil. And while Richard Tyson does an incredible job of making my anus quiver with unbridled fear, he seems a little befuddled when it comes to delivering his comedic catch phrases. Everyone else is either pleasant, uneven, or forgettable. I'll let you figure out the specifics for yourself. Why should I have all the fun?

Before you decide to pick up this Big Bad Wolf from the local Humane Society, you should adequately prepare yourself for a meaty selection of cornball dialogue, a creature design that lacks both a believable creature and a solid design, and twenty minutes worth of material that smells a little too much like Wes Craven's outhouse floater Cursed for me to be anything other than completely uncomfortable. However, if you can overlook these flaws and embrace the film for what it is, the underlying theme of abusive relationships and how they affect the human condition will lovingly curl up at your misshapen feet.

And, possibly, piss on your trousers.

WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS!

“The Blue Comet” is an interesting episode because it’s simultaneously exactly what you’d expect and totally unexpected. After Tony was shot I concluded that the show was not likely to go out with a bang; more likely we’d see Tony fade away, life go on. After the slow fade of last season’s finale, and even through the first couple of episodes of this season, I still felt that way. But starting with “Walk Like a Man,” everything changed and since that episode, we’ve been on a march to this point, with everything falling apart, to the point that this episode leaves Tony alone in a safehouse, all his close friends dead, separated from his family. It’s an apocalyptic episode and another masterpiece from Chase and his team.

The show has teased a New York/New Jersey war for a long time, from Tony’s betrayal of Johnny Sack in “Whitecaps,” to the near war in last season’s “Kaisha,” and after the buildup last week, I was hoping that he wouldn’t stop things before they started again. This entire season has had a feeling of dread, and this episode took it to almost unbearable levels. The opening scene, with Silvio murdering Burt Gervasi, set up that this was going to be a big episode, though I was a bit unclear who he was murdering.

Being near the end of a series makes every threat a bit more real. Last season, you’d never have thought that Phil really might take out the top guys in Tony’s crew; now it was a real possibility, and as Bobby walked into that train store, he was already dead – it was just about waiting for it to happen. Things were so bad after Silvio died I legitimately thought Tony might go.

On a thematic level, the episode integrates a lot of things that have been going on under the surface for a while. Phil says that he needs to take out Tony Soprano’s “glorified crew” because they don’t really believe in the mythology of the mafia. It is the ritual that makes them more than gangsters; the ritual is the reason Phil spent time in prison, and if that’s meaningless, then so is his time in prison. That’s also why Tony isn’t a “real” gangster: Phil mentions his lack of jail time here and shut Tony down with it last episode with his already classic speech about compromising.

The entire series has been about Tony’s inability to live up to his father's and the cinema’s image of what a mobster should be. Now, Phil cracks on his team, marveling at the fact that Bobby is one of the top three guys. After the deaths of Sil and Bobby, Paulie is Tony’s only ally, and he’s constantly shown himself to be selfish, oblivious to the needs of others. Tony is left with basically no one, sitting alone in a room, holding a machine gun.

It’s almost surreal to have these murders actually happening. While I think Chase needed to pay off all this buildup, I do think it’s a bit of a resignation to go down this road. I had come to terms with the fact that the show wasn’t going to have a big ending, and it’s a surprise to see this happen. I would have liked to see Chase screw with people one final time and throw out a big dream sequence or something like that at the close, but this payoff is certainly better than something like “Kaisha.”

The dissolution of Tony’s crew fits with one of the central themes of the series, the decline of the Mafia. Even if Tony survives and either kills Phil or negotiates a peace settlement, he’s got no one left. All his successors are dead. It’s just a bunch of random thugs left, no one to carry the legacy. Can Tony run things like this? How will it work? The only person I could see stepping up to follow him would be Meadow, but I don’t think protocol would allow that.

On a familial level, we see Tony pushing away from them. He’s too much of a target, and now the only way to protect his family is to leave them. It felt final when they left the house, like they’ll never be back there. I do like the implications of him abandoning his suburban mansion to go back to an old neighborhood-style house.

This episode also sees AJ fail another test. I’m perhaps most curious to see how his story resolves. He seems completely incapable of dealing with the world. Will this latest outburst from Tony get him back on track or push him completely away? His arc this season has been phenomenal: here we see Tony finally treating AJ like his parents treated him, harsh, stripping him of his autonomy. He clearly blames Carmela for what happened to him and he’s trying to reverse some of that now.

This comes up in the fantastic Melfi scene, where she finishes his sentences as he goes through a rote list of complaints. She’s so cold here, I feared for her. Tony respects her too much to hurt her, but he is hurt by her abandonment of him at such a low point. It is questionable of her to dump him so suddenly, but that study clearly pointed out what was always apparent: that her work was helping him be a better criminal. Does someone like Tony deserve to be helped? Wouldn’t "progress" only make him worse? Melfi never seemed to think that she could save him, and she must have known that much of what she said led to violence. I always thought she was complicit in that – maybe she didn’t realize how much she was until Elliot told her.

I’m guessing that’s the last time we’ll see Melfi, barring some kind of closing montage with all the characters, and it’s a great way to go out. She realizes that her work isn’t going anywhere and that by treating him, she is in some ways complicit in what he’s doing. She tried to help him, but he wound up saying the same things and not facing up to the basic morality of his life. Unable to do that, she has a right to let him go.

The scene with Janice and Bobby’s kids was heartbreaking because Janice wasn’t reacting the way we’d expect her to. It was just quiet sadness, driving home that for all the over-the-top cool of his murder, what’s left are three kids who will be raised by someone who will resent them and hurt them. Bobby’s kids in particular will be scarred by these next few years. We’ve already seen Janice turning into her mother in “Soprano Home Movies” – this will only make things worse.

While that scene really got to me, the deaths themselves were curiously lacking in emotion. I think it’s because we were so aware of the impending death, it was almost a relief when it happened. Particularly in Bobby’s scene, the minute he walked into train shop, I knew he was gone, and it was excruciating sitting there, wondering when it would come. Christopher’s death was like that as well: he was on such a downward spiral, the death felt like an inevitability, not a surprise. There were moments of sadness surrounding all the deaths, but never in the traditional sappy way most TV shows do it.

Perhaps the best thing I can say about this episode is that it feels like a second-to-last episode. There’s a lot still up in the air, but this was the 84th piece of an 85-piece story. Ever since “Walk Like a Man,” the show has been as good as anything to ever air on TV or in the movies. It’s incredibly tense and perfectly focused on what matters. It’s hard to believe, but AJ has become one of the best characters on the show and Tony remains intensely fascinating. I really can’t wait to see what Chase does with the final chapter.

Written by El Mono Santo

Take some classic Svankmajer, throw in Little Shop of Horrors, add a touch of Pinocchio, and the result is a dark, quirky comedy in which secret, inner monsters are made incarnate.

Jan Svankmajer, the famous Czech cinema surrealist, is perhaps best known for shorts like Darkness-Light-Darkness or his feature length Alice (Neco z Alenky). Like all his films (and characteristic of surrealism itself) Svankmajer focuses on self-consuming human desire. This takes many forms, from consumption of food to sexual lust. The single most obsessive desideratum in Little Otik, however, is procreation. A barren woman’s unquenchable, animal desire for progeny animates an uprooted tree stump. Unable to reveal the irrational nature and terrifying appetite of her offspring, and surrounded by a community that can’t help but stick its nose into other people’s business, the couple engages in a humorous series of attempts to maintain a normal life.

Svankmajer may use less of his signature stop-motion animation, repetitive activity, and earthy, visceral sound production than usual, and come much closer to traditional narrative than previous films, but don’t think you won’t get a healthy dose of surrealism. One of my favorite moments was when an old man lusts after a small girl. The girl’s eyes widen with fright as she watches his pants unzip of their own accord and a human arm reach out from the area of his genitals to grope her. Other memorable moments were several inconspicuous homages to Luis Bunuel’s Un Chien Andalou sprinkled throughout the film (though I’ll let you investigate those for yourself).

Besides run-time and an anti-climactic ending, my biggest gripe with the film was its sexist leanings. It seemed to portray at least a subset of women as so entirely needful of childbearing that they are unable to function or live a happy life without it. It is easy to laugh at the absurd longings of the wife, including its influence on her weak husband, if one thinks of the film as doing little more than overdoing a stereotype. But like most surrealism, it has a point. And also like most surrealism, that point can be easily missed. Sometimes it's just a lot of fun to miss it.