There comes a time in every man’s life when he’s sitting at the breakfast table, staring into the vacuous eyes of the animated rabbit on the back of the cereal box in front of him and he thinks “this guy should get his own movie!” Well now, thanks to the magic of warped imagination, here are the five breakfast cereal movies that are most deserving of being snapped into production.
1. Movie: Snap, Crackle and Dead
Characters: Snap, Crackle and Pop
Tagline: Evil has a new face
Plot: World-weary homicide detective Sam Snap and his play-it-by-the-books partner Detective John Crackles are hot on the case of the Pop serial-killer, a deranged ex-mental patient who accidentally kills people in hilariously clutzy ways. Along the way, Snap must struggle with his methodone addiction, pay his ex-wife’s child allowance and deal with his confusing feelings for Crackle.
Oscar Worthy Scene: (After just blowing up a crack whore house run by tyrannical Mexican midgets disguised as nuns and costing the city millions of dollars, the chief forces Snap and Crackle to hand in their badges and guns. But that doesn’t stop them from getting to the bottom of the mysterious spate of hilarious slapstick killings that have been occurring all over the city)
Crackle: Dammit Snap, why won’t you play by the rules? The chief is gonna have my ass for this.
Snap: You know I can’t do that Crackle. Lives are on the line and someone’s gotta pay. I’m gonna get this Pop son-of-a-bitch if I die trying. And Crackle, if I don’t make it outta this, I just wanna say… uhh…
Crackle: I love you too, buddy.
Snap: No, I was gonna say that Rice Krispies aren’t just puffs of air, you know. They actually provide 28% of your recommended daily allowance of calcium and fibre.
Crackle: And they taste a treat too!
Snap: That’s right, Crackle. NOW LET’S NAIL THIS MUTHERFUCKER!
What the critics are saying:
“Snap, Crackle and Dead is an edge of your seat, urine-inducing rollercoaster thrill ride of a movie that is almost as fun to watch as Rice Krispies are fun to eat. And they’re a damn-sight delicious too, providing 28% of your daily recommended daily allowance of calcium and fibre.”
- Back of a Rice Krispies box
“What a piece of shit.”
- New York Times
“Mommy, what’s a crack whore?”
- Timmy, age 5
