Hi kids, it’s me Steven Seagal. My last movie remake, Titanic Under Siege was such a success that 20^th Century Vole have approached me to produce, direct, star in and write the music for it. It’s gonna be an edgy score, I’ll be using a lot of steel drums and some pots and pans. And to prepare for the role, I’ve been spending a lot of time in the North Pole amongst icebergs, studying their daily rituals, mating habits and what they do for fun. It’s been edu-fucking-ational!

But why stop there, there’s a guzillion other ‘classic’ movies in awesomely serious need of some SEAGALIFICATION!

This week: Schindler’s List

This entry was posted on Friday, June 22nd, 2007 at 8:31 am and is filed under CinemATTIC. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Hi kids, it’s me, Steven Seagal. If you haven’t heard of me, then that means your pussy-ass parents wouldn’t let you watch my movies. And they’re probably right, cos if you saw even a fleeting moment of some of my bad-ass martial arts moves, your head and testicles might explode out of pure envy.

Anyway, as I was lying on my bed of platinum mastercards laced with cocaine and beautiful women, I started thinking about movies that didn’t have my name above the title and I realised that they’re all boring pieces of crud-munching garbage. And then it hit me, faster than a knuckle-dropping karate kick into my enemy’s groin: I should remake every film ever made and make them a hundred times more kick-ass.

Much like the God of people fashioned humans in his own image, I, Steven Seagal, will form movies in… God’s image. Mine, that is. “And it will be awesome,” I said to the hot naked chick who rested on my thighs. “You’re so amazing Steven,” she probably said then. “I wish I looked like you.” They always do, chicks. And I always do THEM. That’s a little joke of mine, feel free to use it. And by feel free, I mean try it and I’ll fucking rip your kidneys out and feed them to my she-bitches.

So once a week, I’ll deliver to you, via The CinemATTIC, a few boring-ass movies that need a bit of Seagal-ification. That’s my word, don’t even think about re-mentioning it, fucker.

This week: Titanic

This entry was posted on Friday, June 15th, 2007 at 1:29 pm and is filed under CinemATTIC. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.